Exhuming 8 Year Old Tonya

After my amazing breakthrough last Friday, I am feeling on top of the world! I’m humming that famous Carpenters song, “Top of The World”; I would have rather been singing, but had been told years ago that I sounded better when I hum! I had already decided earlier in the week that was now cured of all emotional ills and felt that I had been equipped with the tools to continue my journey towards wholeness alone. I had already told my sisters (same Father, different parents) that I thought that today would be my last visit to my “Paid Ear”. After sitting on the couch for 50 minutes and trying to convince myself and my “Ear” that I was “all better”, I realized that I have issues that I have yet to address. 

My “Ear” requested that I bring pictures of myself around the age of 8. After pulling out a couple of photographs, I quickly realized that I appear to be a very confused, sad little girl. The first inkling of confusion comes from the haircut that I was forced to carry around on my head. My hair wasn’t short in just one photograph, but was in several from the time I was in 2^nd grade until around 7^th. It looks like I might have sat in a barber’s chair instead of one that would be found in a beauty shop! I also noticed a very sad look on my face in every picture. I wondered what was going on in my life that made me look so downtrodden. I realized that Tonya, the 8 year old little girl, has still not been heard.  She was never given a voice, a choice, or made to feel like she was a princess who was to be cherished. Truth is, I buried her 2 ½ months ago after I realized that I had  been grieving for 8 year old Tonya for 30+ years, and the grieving was making it impossible to for adult Tonya to heal, so she became a casualty of this emotional war.

Today, I was asked to exhume the 8 year old little girl. I was given a task that, at first, I snarled my nose at thinking it was cheesy. There was NO way I would do what was asked of me because I could not see what good it was going to achieve. (Of course, I never verbalized these thoughts, I’m not that advanced in my journey yet!!) She asked that I look at the picture of myself, and at first I only glanced at her. I say “her” because I had detached myself Tonya and was not ready to make another connection. I drug her around with me as long as I could, telling her just how wrong life had been, but I had never done anything to patch her wounds, and so she continued to bleed. Today, I saw that sadness with fresh eyes, and made a commitment to her/us that we would walk the road together, and if at times she needed a lift, I would carry her, if she would return the favor!

Transferring Shame To Its Rightful Owner

Until recently, I never thought about the root cause of my self-condemnation. The truth of the matter is that I didn’t even realize that shame/self condemnation was my issue until I started talking to my “paid ear” about my feelings. I had carried the feeling around for so long that it was just part of my fiber, almost like a pair of glasses you put on every day, or a badge. It’s just the way that I saw things, because that’s the way it had always been!

On Friday, my childhood friend and I were chatting, and I angrily stated that someone needed to feel the shame that I had been feeling. I told her that I had carried it for 30+ years, and it was their turn to carry it and feel just how I had felt. At that moment it was as if my fever had broken, a migraine had completely gone away or you just received news that changed the course of your life for the better!  I felt like the guy on the Toyota commercial from years ago that jumps up and clicks his heels together. I feel like “the burden was lifted at Calvary” except I was sitting at my desk!!

OH WHAT A FEELING!!!   

Detoxing My Mind!!

Today has been the most refreshing day I have had in 2+ months. After going to the gym at 5:30, I came back home and sat in my sweet husbands office and read to him until he had to leave for work. I continued reading to my youngest man child, who I thought was asleep on the couch, but apparently was listening the entire time. The book that I am reading is by Joseph Prince and is titled “Unmerited Favor”. I had recently finished Pastor Princes’ book “Destined to Reign”, which is the most in-depth, amazing, and understandable to the normal guy, explanation of God’s Grace that I have ever read and I highly recommend it (amazon.com! Tell ‘em Tonya sent ya!)!

As I sat down at my desk to begin my day, a verse popped into my mind that I have heard my entire life, but never totally understood until that moment: Philippians 4:6: ⁶ In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. At the same time God put that scripture in my head, it dawned on me that my chest hurting this week after my “episodes” was actually anxiety and had I stopped and prayed, giving all my issues over to him, and at the same time thanking Him, maybe I wouldn’t have felt like I had a potted plant sitting on my chest! It also dawned on me that, just as I had worked on my physical body at the gym, I had also begun the process to “detox” my emotional life as well. My AHA moment of the day!

Self condemnation is harmful to your health!

Condemnation is going to be the death of me….! Allow me to explain what I mean by that statement.  I am learning to die to my need for acceptance, and all the condemnation, fear, and other junk that accompanies this unGodly emotion.  Condemnation is defined as “condemnation of one's self by one's own judgment”. Synonyms for condemnation are admonishment, chastisement, rebuke, reprimand, reproach, among many other ugly terms. My personal self condemnation comes from many years of not being raised to believe that I had any self worth. I won’t go into the gory details, but suffice it to say that when a parent’s approval is missing or lacking, for whatever reason, it has long term affects, many of which are only cured with a ton of counseling, prayers, and fully relying on God.  The effects of my self- condemnation caused me many tears, self-loathing, anxiety to the point of chest pains, and a lot of sleepless nights.

What can trigger “an episode” is correction by someone in authority or someone that I respect or love. No matter how gently the person admonishes me (because they are aware of my fragile state from previous episodes), I go into an emotional tailspin that can last for hours, or until I can “self talk” myself back to a point of calm. This week alone, I have experienced 2 episodes, one of which should not matter 1 iota in the grand scheme of things, but apparently, due to my already tender state of emotion, it hit me like a semi truck filled with a trailer full of shame! I cried, my chest tightened, and I drove 14 miles to pick up a large, hand tossed pizza from Dominoes! 3 pieces of pizza and 2 cheesy breadsticks later, I was still smarting from the “episode”, but after talking about it with my personal sounding board, I was back on the road again.

As I continue on the road to discovering the new Tonya, the episodes will not hit me as hard, if at all, and I will be able to self talk and ask myself the questions I learned yesterday. “What am I in fear of losing” will become my first thought, and not “OMG, someone said they didn’t like me!” and be able to flick off whatever residue I am feeling, and walk away with a smile on my face.

The First Steps to Healing

For 31 of my 43 short years, I have struggled with self worth, condemnation, and quest to make sure everyone likes me. All of my self esteem issues are rooted in a far deeper issue that I was recently forced to finally face. This is my journey.....

I have recently begun seeing a therapist, since my efforts to heal myself have apparently failed. I have decided that it's ok to admit that I cannot heal myself, and what I thought was a brave act by suppressing those memories was only causing my mental health to take a huge hit. 

My first appointment at the therapist was 3 weeks ago. I can now see why people have been in therapy for years. Its 50 minutes of having someone’s undivided attention. The best part is that you paid them to sit there and listen! At the end of the session, I am looking for the slot that will allow me 50 more minutes, if I just drop in more money. What I learned during my first visit is that, though I would discuss what had happened to me, I would tell the story as if it happened to someone else. For the first time I had to admit that, yes, it did actually happen to me.

The next thing I learned was that my issues were legitimate and pretty huge. I had always minimized them in order to cope. I often questioned if I might be making “a mountain out of a mole hill”, but once I actually listened to myself tell the story to my new confidante', I realized that what I had went through as a teenager would have knocked many others on their backs for the rest of their lives. She then told me that I was a survivor, and that I had no reason to feel shame, and it was time to place the shame where it belonged. I asked if she felt that I would require more sessions, and she shook her head, and simply said, “Oh yes!” I walked away from my first session being able to hold my head a little higher.

My second visit to my newly found BFF was more of an eye opener. I realized that my mouth ran for 50 straight minutes and the only reason that it didn't run the other 5 was due to the fact that it had dried out, and was being reenergized so I could continue my endless diatribe! When the session had ended, I asked her what she was thinking. She said that she felt that I had attachment disorder which is characterized by lying, charming the pants off of someone (manipulation), hording food and stealing. I was aghast at her thinking I had any of those characteristics! I tell the absolute truth, regardless of the ramifications. I would not characterize myself as manipulative, unless you are talking about when it comes to getting money out of my husband. As far as stealing goes, I won’t even take a paperclip without asking! And hording food? I don’t horde food!! I eat every bit of it.

She did say that my situation is highly unusual in that I have been married for almost 21 years, which I feel can only be attributed to a husband that was sent directly from God to help me along my journey to wholeness. She also related the fact that the promiscuous acts I carried out as a teenager are directly related to the wrongs I was experiencing.

After leaving my second chat fest, Danny and I were dialoguing about the events during my very short 50 minute session. I was going over the characteristics of attachment disorder and debunking each and every one until a light went off in my mind. I did steal, lie and horde food when I was younger! Wow! She’s good!!!

My third session seemed to be a bit more productive and educational. I took my note pad so that I would not miss one word that was uttered and was determined to remain focused and on task. We began by her asking me to brief her on the previous week’s events. I explained the mental breakdown from the previous day that was due to rejection by a client and how it sent me into a mental tailspin, chest tightening and the eventual consumption of 3 pieces of pizza in which I had to drive 14 miles to get. (The cost of the pizza, coupled with the price of gas, 1 gallon up, 1 gallon back, made that pizza cost about $22.00) She described my reaction as a “shame attack”, which I plan to research and will fill you in once I personally understand it.

I also learned a couple more tidbits that I plan to sear into my daily thought process:

·         She stated   that anytime someone confronts another person, it will always be about them

·         Anger is a secondary emotion that is always covering something else

·         One of the worse things one can do is to react. We need to respond after we have thought, analyzed, then step back and ask ourselves what this is really about

·         Always ask yourself what I am in fear of losing

·         If someone doesn’t like me, it’s usually because I remind them of someone or something that is unpleasant in their past, though they might not even realize it. “It’s not about me and has nothing to do with me.”

Next week will be session #4 in my journey to “Find Tonya”. I would like to say that I am getting stronger every day, but the truth is that I am still that weak child that walked into her office 3 weeks ago. I still shutter at the thought that someone would be upset with me and still fall apart when approached with constructive criticism. My goal is to begin to see myself through the eyes of my husband, boys and friends, and I am willing to keep hiking forward until I reach my destination.