Self condemnation is harmful to your health!

Condemnation is going to be the death of me….! Allow me to explain what I mean by that statement.  I am learning to die to my need for acceptance, and all the condemnation, fear, and other junk that accompanies this unGodly emotion.  Condemnation is defined as “condemnation of one's self by one's own judgment”. Synonyms for condemnation are admonishment, chastisement, rebuke, reprimand, reproach, among many other ugly terms. My personal self condemnation comes from many years of not being raised to believe that I had any self worth. I won’t go into the gory details, but suffice it to say that when a parent’s approval is missing or lacking, for whatever reason, it has long term affects, many of which are only cured with a ton of counseling, prayers, and fully relying on God.  The effects of my self- condemnation caused me many tears, self-loathing, anxiety to the point of chest pains, and a lot of sleepless nights.

What can trigger “an episode” is correction by someone in authority or someone that I respect or love. No matter how gently the person admonishes me (because they are aware of my fragile state from previous episodes), I go into an emotional tailspin that can last for hours, or until I can “self talk” myself back to a point of calm. This week alone, I have experienced 2 episodes, one of which should not matter 1 iota in the grand scheme of things, but apparently, due to my already tender state of emotion, it hit me like a semi truck filled with a trailer full of shame! I cried, my chest tightened, and I drove 14 miles to pick up a large, hand tossed pizza from Dominoes! 3 pieces of pizza and 2 cheesy breadsticks later, I was still smarting from the “episode”, but after talking about it with my personal sounding board, I was back on the road again.

As I continue on the road to discovering the new Tonya, the episodes will not hit me as hard, if at all, and I will be able to self talk and ask myself the questions I learned yesterday. “What am I in fear of losing” will become my first thought, and not “OMG, someone said they didn’t like me!” and be able to flick off whatever residue I am feeling, and walk away with a smile on my face.