The First Steps to Healing

For 31 of my 43 short years, I have struggled with self worth, condemnation, and quest to make sure everyone likes me. All of my self esteem issues are rooted in a far deeper issue that I was recently forced to finally face. This is my journey.....

I have recently begun seeing a therapist, since my efforts to heal myself have apparently failed. I have decided that it's ok to admit that I cannot heal myself, and what I thought was a brave act by suppressing those memories was only causing my mental health to take a huge hit. 

My first appointment at the therapist was 3 weeks ago. I can now see why people have been in therapy for years. Its 50 minutes of having someone’s undivided attention. The best part is that you paid them to sit there and listen! At the end of the session, I am looking for the slot that will allow me 50 more minutes, if I just drop in more money. What I learned during my first visit is that, though I would discuss what had happened to me, I would tell the story as if it happened to someone else. For the first time I had to admit that, yes, it did actually happen to me.

The next thing I learned was that my issues were legitimate and pretty huge. I had always minimized them in order to cope. I often questioned if I might be making “a mountain out of a mole hill”, but once I actually listened to myself tell the story to my new confidante', I realized that what I had went through as a teenager would have knocked many others on their backs for the rest of their lives. She then told me that I was a survivor, and that I had no reason to feel shame, and it was time to place the shame where it belonged. I asked if she felt that I would require more sessions, and she shook her head, and simply said, “Oh yes!” I walked away from my first session being able to hold my head a little higher.

My second visit to my newly found BFF was more of an eye opener. I realized that my mouth ran for 50 straight minutes and the only reason that it didn't run the other 5 was due to the fact that it had dried out, and was being reenergized so I could continue my endless diatribe! When the session had ended, I asked her what she was thinking. She said that she felt that I had attachment disorder which is characterized by lying, charming the pants off of someone (manipulation), hording food and stealing. I was aghast at her thinking I had any of those characteristics! I tell the absolute truth, regardless of the ramifications. I would not characterize myself as manipulative, unless you are talking about when it comes to getting money out of my husband. As far as stealing goes, I won’t even take a paperclip without asking! And hording food? I don’t horde food!! I eat every bit of it.

She did say that my situation is highly unusual in that I have been married for almost 21 years, which I feel can only be attributed to a husband that was sent directly from God to help me along my journey to wholeness. She also related the fact that the promiscuous acts I carried out as a teenager are directly related to the wrongs I was experiencing.

After leaving my second chat fest, Danny and I were dialoguing about the events during my very short 50 minute session. I was going over the characteristics of attachment disorder and debunking each and every one until a light went off in my mind. I did steal, lie and horde food when I was younger! Wow! She’s good!!!

My third session seemed to be a bit more productive and educational. I took my note pad so that I would not miss one word that was uttered and was determined to remain focused and on task. We began by her asking me to brief her on the previous week’s events. I explained the mental breakdown from the previous day that was due to rejection by a client and how it sent me into a mental tailspin, chest tightening and the eventual consumption of 3 pieces of pizza in which I had to drive 14 miles to get. (The cost of the pizza, coupled with the price of gas, 1 gallon up, 1 gallon back, made that pizza cost about $22.00) She described my reaction as a “shame attack”, which I plan to research and will fill you in once I personally understand it.

I also learned a couple more tidbits that I plan to sear into my daily thought process:

·         She stated   that anytime someone confronts another person, it will always be about them

·         Anger is a secondary emotion that is always covering something else

·         One of the worse things one can do is to react. We need to respond after we have thought, analyzed, then step back and ask ourselves what this is really about

·         Always ask yourself what I am in fear of losing

·         If someone doesn’t like me, it’s usually because I remind them of someone or something that is unpleasant in their past, though they might not even realize it. “It’s not about me and has nothing to do with me.”

Next week will be session #4 in my journey to “Find Tonya”. I would like to say that I am getting stronger every day, but the truth is that I am still that weak child that walked into her office 3 weeks ago. I still shutter at the thought that someone would be upset with me and still fall apart when approached with constructive criticism. My goal is to begin to see myself through the eyes of my husband, boys and friends, and I am willing to keep hiking forward until I reach my destination.